Oscillating between Doubt and Belief in Self
We may have lost a few battles, but we will never submit to defeat in this war!
I’m working really hard to be gracious towards myself, which is so incredibly hard and oxymoronic. I’m forcing myself, in every moment, to shift my thinking to avoid spirals of things I cannot fix that only cause me stagnation and pain to think about. I am trying so hard to surrender and trust, and of course, it is not working. The state of existence I want to be in I am not in right now and letting myself fall into the full picture spectrum of the self I have completely lost, is something I am not willing to let myself fall prey to. Everything I invested my love and energy for the 38 and 6 years of my life has crumbled. What would be a full identity for most, family and career. There is no going back. No whoops sorry made a mistake, no these choices came at a cost and had to be done, otherwise I would live forever stuck in drowning survival mode. The very state of existence that I am trying to not let myself fall into because then we will just go back to selling our self and life. Losing another year on our knees for those who don’t actually care about growth and happiness. It is okay that they don’t. It’s not about them, and that is the reason I have to push myself right now. If I fall into all the heartbreak of everything I am grieving, well then I am only mourning my servitude.
I should be in fear and panic mode of all the things I could lose next as a side effect. I should be crying feeling helpless and praying someone will save me, or trying to figure out who I can call that I can tell my sob story to in a way that will get them to feel bad enough to rescue me. Shouldn’t I? Isn’t that what we are taught as a society to do when our life falls apart? Or when we stand up against bad situations? Or if one loss creates a tumbling effect of loss? Aren’t we supposed to go ask for help? What happens when we know help comes at a cost? What about when we know that if we ask for help we will become a slave once more to someone’s “grace” and control? That’s not a sustainable path. I can’t do it. I won’t feel these ways that are the patterns of quick fixes around me. I’m gonna do this the hard way, like I always do, and be stubborn in my own integrity. My own. Sometimes I wish I could just play the helpless woman, but geez, the side effects of playing that card are usually bigger problems and greater hells than saving yourself from the bump, small in comparison, in the road.
I’m constantly in problem solving mode in my mind. When my life is in a state of copesetic stability, I think about the problems of the world, or work, or humanity. I prefer those mental meanderings. The hypothetical nature had less side effects. I love efficiency. Running a business all by myself and competing with teams of men, to keep my rates and offerings on par with other companies, I did everything seeking the most efficient route. I don’t believe in cutting quality of life or created work, but I am always seeking ways to achieve the quality with a more efficient method. Also to protect my body and energy availability, efficiency is just a smart way to play the game. “Work smarter, not harder.” I would often get told by men when I was too enthusiastic to show my prowess and capability. As a youngin’, I laughed at the predictable phrase told usually in a thick Boston or Worcester accent, but now as a woman, I get it, their bodies were way more banged up than mine, at the time. I work way smarter than harder now, but some things are always just harder. Luckily, I get a rush off the stress of physical extension to accomplish a task. High on endorphins from accomplishing the impossible to me and others, with the sheer will power of my mind using my body in a smart and efficient way. That’s magic. I got used to that magic. Now I am trying to use it on myself. Sheer willpower, my mind over my emotions, and not in a suppression method, but in a training of perspective and a refocusing on what the hierarchy of sustainability looks like.
My investments have been in the growth of others, while planning my future on how to take care of them and get what I wanted. I disabled myself by becoming a caretaker of beings that really should be taking care of themselves, can and need to for their own growth. In my unconscious savior state I was disabling them from growing as well. You don’t learn to fill a void in life if you always have someone who will fill it for you. My soul keeps putting me in positions where I either fill everyone else's voids and feel connected, or I disconnect to protect and I have to fill all my own voids, only to return to filling some void somewhere else for someone else. I think I am supposed to be learning how to fill my void first and then fill from the cup that runneth over. Which is the new hierarchy of sustainability because this chick ain’t stable right now. She is safe, she is protected, and she is mother fucking capable, so I am not going to let her fall. There is always a solution we have been in training for years. I take this whole lesson learning thing very seriously because it is the most efficient path. I spent too long spiraling and repeating patterns stuck in the loops of trying to fulfill all the ideas of who I was supposed to be for everyone else. I learned great lessons of discernment and variation in humanity from that period so I do not regret it, but time has control and I do not enjoy the experience of looping life problems. It is inefficient and lacks the data driven creative method of problem solving I get off on. If you have to keep fixing the same problem over and over again, especially the same time of year or month, or in a repeated pattern of timing, then there is a bigger problem that needs addressing. Of course, all the answers lie within me. So somewhere inside me and somewhere out in the universe, is the conjunction where solution, lesson and opportunity commingle awaiting my arrival.
Trust. Trust is what everything is about and something I am trying to learn. It is harder to understand than the fictional nature of time. We never talk about the Deities of Trust. Or honor. Or integrity. Isn’t that curious? The Gods and Goddesses always represent very Capitalistic Virtues. Religion teaches that God is bipolar if you are disobedient but you are supposed to just trust him. Ugh, the level of abuse grooming in spirituality is disgusting. Even the ones that tell you to release your ego are suspicious with their giant Egos and lack of perspective. Does ritual anchor in unconscious acceptance of loops of existence? It is hard to trust people when you see their chosen loops and you are trying so hard to break through all of yours. It’s hard to build with people who are so attached to their loops that they don’t care about the damage it is doing to them or the people around them. “It’s just how things are.” I am very aware of my loops and they drive me insane. Slowly slowly I’m working myself out of them, but I watch myself. Luckily for the rest of the world, the cost of my loops really comes only to me. I know I have hurt others, but I always tried to isolate myself so that the true weight of my destruction was always upon myself first. If anyone ever came to me, and told me I had hurt them deeply because of my choice in loop, and it being genuine and not a manipulation tactic to get me back in their servitute to their loops of self sabotage, I would of course change. I have changed my behaviors to avoid people being angry at me my whole life, even though they were always disappointed and pissed because of my existence. Of course I would change, to shift a co-created loop. But I have never actually had that happen. It would be as magical in my book as a portal magically appearing in my bedroom and Aliens coming for tea.
It feels wrong to be feeling so hooked on efficiency and hyper independence, because it feels like it goes against what I feel like I need to and want to learn to be able to be a mother and wife, of course, two more caretaking roles. I don’t just want that life because I am programmed to or because my whole life has been about caretaking. My life has been about caretaking, because that is a huge part of my soul and who I am. I had to go through this hyper independent phase so I can do the wife and mother gigs differently, so that I don’t repeat the patterns of generation past that were my punishment for existence as a child. The loops carry on to the next generation and if the loops keep repeating there is no spin off of variance of growth and expression of the human species. The collective keeps in patterns of “normalcy” and the whole game is rigged against anyone that doesn’t fall into submission to the limited loops.
All the pressure I am putting on myself, right now, at this time in my history, and in the history of us as humans, because I am not alone in this pursuit and I know it, it is all a long term investment. In me first, because as MLK said, “Be the change you seek to see in the World.” Be careful though, the cults and organizations that love to use that quote are usually loop creators of helplessness and poverty consciousness, disguised as empowerment, and in actuality greedy frauds. But for Siedeh, for today, we are going to keep doing the mental gymnastics of believing that we are going to win this battle against the matrix for freedom of self expression and the ability to be sustainable within the carnivores system that can’t wait for her to surrender so they can once again feed.